


Till It's Undone

by IllegalCerebral



Series: CM Bingo 2019 [3]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 14, Anti-Jeid, CM Bingo 2019, Fix-It, Just Friends, Love Confessions, Male-Female Friendship, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Season/Series 14 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-24 23:58:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17714147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IllegalCerebral/pseuds/IllegalCerebral
Summary: Something was very, very wrong but from the inside looking out; Spencer couldn’t make head or tail of it. Half his instincts told him to let it go, that simply pretending that it never happened could erase the teary confession of her love. The other half was setting off sirens in his skull. This was not okay. This was a warning sign for something.When Spencer doesn't know how to help JJ he calls on the one person he can trust to help him figure things out





	Till It's Undone

This was a wedding, it was supposed to be a happy occasion to celebrate the love of two people and them joining together for the rest of their lives.

Instead Spencer was negotiating the paralysing fear that came from his world folding in on itself. It didn’t help that JJ sat there looking like she was made of glass about to shatter while Emily went on and on about twin flames and a bunch of other things that Spencer missed due to the blood pounding in his ears.

Will reached out and took JJ’s hand, a small gesture that usually would have evoked wistful feeling in Spencer, a mixture of happiness for his best friend and yearning for something similar of his own. Now it made his chest tighten, goose bumps exploding over his whole body.

Something was very, very wrong but from the inside looking out; Spencer couldn’t make head or tail of it. Half his instincts told him to let it go, that simply pretending that it never happened could erase the teary confession of her love. The other half was setting off sirens in his skull. This was not okay. This was a warning sign for something.

“Did you mean it?”

He was praying for a no: a nudge and a smile, teasing him that he still hadn’t worked out her tell. Instead she was silent, the guilt etched in every inch of her face.

“We’re okay”

They definitely weren’t okay, she definitely wasn’t okay, and the worst part of all was that Spencer didn’t know what the problem was. Spencer loathed not knowing.

As the night wound down and JJ danced stiffly with Will, Spencer resolved to find out one way or another. Or at the very least get the help of someone who could solve a problem he was incapable of even identifying.

* * *

There was probably something to that fact that Derek hadn’t been able to make it to Rossi’s wedding but when Spencer called him in a panic he dropped everything and was on a plane to DC within hours.

Probably something to do with Spencer never usually being one to ask for help so if he was calling then something was clearly up.

“I mean she had a gun pointed at her, we were both on edge and I get that I really do but afterwards she was acting so strange! Even in front of Will. Oh god, Will! And Henry and Michael! Every time I think of them I just feel…it’s like there’s a figurative black hole in my chest and I’m being pulled inside out and she hasn’t spoken to me since the wedding and she looks like she’s about to cry all the time and I don’t-”

“Pretty boy” Derek cut across him. He’d barely made it through the front door of Spencer’s apartment. “Take a deep breath. Go back to the start. What happened?”

“JJ told me she loved me. She says she always has but she was too scared to tell me and then things got complicated”

A heavy silence between them.

“…What?”

Shakily Spencer sat down and recounted the whole story from start to finish again as Derek sat there dumbstruck.

“…What?”

“Derek” Spencer pleaded, “Just tell me what to do”

“Man I can barely process it”

“ _You_ can barely process it? I feel like my brain melted and then someone threw it in a blender”

“Do you love her?”

“Yes” Spencer shoulders sagged “But not like that”

“Could she have meant it platonically?” There was a note of hope in Derek’s voice that was dashed when Spencer shook his head.

“Something’s wrong Derek…but I can’t sort through it”

Derek rubbed his eyes; it felt like migraine was creeping in. He didn’t even get migraines.

“Has something happened recently that could have affected her?”

“There was a case in her home town! She found out her sister was abused by the school guidance counsellor” said Spencer “Since then things with her Mom have been difficult”

“What? Why don’t you guys tell me stuff like this anymore?”

“She said she was talking to someone about it” said Spencer, pointedly ignoring Derek’s question “But it was a lot of stress to deal with. I don’t think she ever really dealt with Ros’ death properly. But that doesn’t explain why she’d say…that”

Derek was silent for a moment but spencer could see him thinking, his eyes flicking back and forth.

“The date”

“What?”

“What date was it when you guys were held hostage?”

“February 6″

“Spencer…you know what that date means right?”

* * *

“Coffee!” proclaimed Spencer, a slightly rictus grin on his face and two large cups in his hands.

JJ looked up with a frown.

“We should drink it outside. Did you know that food and drink actually tastes better outside? Also being outside improves concentration so when we come back in we’ll be more productive with our paperwork and-”

“Sure Spence” JJ took the cup, her fingers brushing his in a way that made him tense but he kept his smile in place.

They found a bench outside the office, far enough away for them to have a private conversation but not so far that JJ might start to get the wrong idea. For a little while they sat in silence, sipping their coffees and watching the cars go by. Finally, when the silence became too much, JJ spoke.

“Spencer. I know that it’s been really hard for you-”

“It hasn’t” said Spencer quickly. JJ blinked “I mean, it was difficult at first. Your confession came out of nowhere and it threw me”

JJ flinched and a pang of guilt reverberated through Spencer but he pushed on. As much as this was going to hurt her in the short term it might end up helping her to heal.

“I realise now why you said what you said” Spencer put his cup down and turned to her. He tried to keep his voice as gentle as possible “I believe 100% that you do love me. I love you, so, so much. We tell each other almost everything. Even some things we don’t tell anyone else right?”

“Right” JJ nodded. Her voice was so small. It hurt to see his brave, confident friend shrink inside herself. Now he had a good look at her it was obvious to Spencer that JJ hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep in a long time.

“You told me about losing your baby” said Spencer “You’ve never told Will though have you? Because some part of you feels guilty about going to Afghanistan and being somewhere so dangerous when you were pregnant. So you kept it from Will to save him from hurting like you were hurting, even though this baby was wanted, even though you had a name picked out and everything. You think it was your fault JJ, but it wasn’t”

JJ’s lip began to wobble, her eyes filling with tears.

“You told me about the miscarriage because I figured out something was wrong. Your…your PTSS”

“Spencer what does this have to do with-”

“It was the anniversary of your abduction”

“When I told you, yeah” JJ wiped her eyes with her sleeve “Trust me Spence I remember that clearly”

“No Jennifer. We were taken hostage five years, almost to the day that Tivon Askari abducted you and Cruz”

“No” JJ frowned “No it wasn’t”

“Yes” Spencer took her hand. JJ tensed but didn’t pull away “You know how hard anniversaries are. You’ve never properly grieved for your baby. I’m the only one who knows but it’s not the same as telling Will, it shouldn’t be. Plus with everything that’s happening with your mother, you’re feeling vulnerable right now-”

“I’m not!”

“Then on top of all that you had someone pointing a gun in your face asking you to reveal your deepest darkest secrets. He stopped you from talking about your daughter, about the fact you feel like you can’t trust anyone. You were in a life or death situation and sitting next to you was the one person you told your biggest secret to. A secret that wasn’t enough to save your life right then”

“What are you saying?” JJ did pull her hands away then, crossing her arms in a protective gesture. Spencer swallowed.

“I think…your feelings are a little…misplaced”

If looks could kill Spencer would have been six feet under in that moment. It was honestly a little frightening. He waited, holding his breath, for her to speak.

“Don’t patronise me Reid”

_Well if she loved me before she doesn’t now_

“I’m not,” he said as calmly as he could manage “I’m talking from experience. PTSS doesn’t go away just because you ignore it”

“It went away because I got treatment. It’s been years”

“Remember what you told Garcia. It doesn’t work that way”

“For her maybe. I’m fine. I’m strong”

“This isn’t about being strong. Strong people can still be hurt. You’re hurting”

JJ shook her head fiercely, standing up.

“If you don’t feel the same way then just say so. Don’t make this about me. I was honest”

“Not to Will”

As soon as he said it Spencer shifted back, almost like he expected her to lash out. Instead JJ’s arms fell limply to her side, her mouth slack with shock.

“Are you trying to justify the guilt you feel? You confess you’re in love with your best friend because it’s another betrayal. A betrayal of your marriage. You’d rather Will hate you for that than for keeping the baby a secret?”

“You bastard”

“The JJ I know and love wouldn’t be so selfish. She would hurt the love of her life or their children like that. But you aren’t think about them at the moment. You want to hurt yourself right now because you think you deserve it”

JJ buried her face in her hands. Everything was silent and still.

_Please be okay, please be okay._

The thought that Spencer may have just pushed JJ over the edge was too much to bear. He’d only wanted to help but instead he’s made everything a million times worse. Then came a whisper.

“I do”

Then again and again, like mantra.

“I do, I do, I do deserve this” her voice growing louder each time, like the words were being torn from her throat.

“No” Spencer stood and pulled her into a hug, his chin resting on her head as she sobbed her heart out “You don’t deserve this JJ. You don’t deserve any of it”

“I’m a horrible wife and mother”

“You aren’t” Spencer cooed “Everything you do is for Will and the boys but right now you’re hurting and you need to get help. For your own sake and theirs”

“I hurt you too” JJ croaked “God your face when I said that to you. It was selfish and manipulative and-”

“Stop that” said Spencer “I knew something wasn’t right and I wasn’t about to let it ruin our friendship. I was shocked that’s all”

JJ stepped away, eyes swollen and face puffy. It struck Spencer how young she looked right then.

“I don’t know what to do” she sobbed “Please help”

“First you need to wash you face” smiled Spencer “Then take a deep breath. I’ll be here every step of the way and I won’t be alone”

“What?”

Spencer turned towards the parking lot and waved. JJ frowned until she saw a familiar figure walking towards them.

“Morgan?”

“Hey Mama Bear”

JJ looked between the two of them.

“Oh god I’ve fucked up so bad” JJ screwed her eyes shut “I’m so sorry”

“I’m banning the S-word right now” said Spencer in his professor voice “At least until you’re better”

“Savannah gave me a list of names” said Derek “Doctors who specialise in trauma like yours. They also aren’t affiliated with the FBI so you won’t feel like you’re being watched or reported on”

“If I refuse?” JJ asked, warily. Spencer and Derek looked at each other. “That’s not an option right?”

“Jennifer we won’t force you to do anything” said Spencer

“But you told Pretty Ricky you loved him” said Derek, his lips quirking up into a smile “You have to see how crazy that is”

JJ snorted, something resembling a wet laugh bubbling up. Spencer felt some of the tension leave his body. Maybe it would all be okay after all.

“I mean, yeah he’s pretty and smart. I’ll give him that,” said Derek with a grin “But he’ll drink your month’s supply of coffee in a week”

“Plus you switch off after about thirty seconds of me rambling” laughed Spencer.

“And he snores”

“Wait no I don’t!”

“I’ve shared a room with you on a case, you totally snore. You even talk in your sleep. JJ you wouldn’t last five minutes with him!”

Spencer rolled his eyes, Derek playfully clapping him on the shoulder.

They were looking at each other and JJ with such love that that the tears started welling up again as the gravity of the whole situation began to hit her.

“I don’t know if I can ever make this up to you”

“There’s nothing to make up JJ” Spencer told her gently.

“I hurt you so badly” she sniffed “You and Will and the boys”

“You know I wouldn’t have told Will what you said” The fragile lightness from earlier had given way to a sombre reality, Spencer looked at her solemnly. It was like he was trying his best not to treat her like she was broken.

“I think that was it” JJ said “I think it just felt safe…but also dangerous? Does that make sense?”

“It felt safe because you knew Reid would never reciprocate” said Derek “It felt dangerous because you were acting out. It was high stakes and low risk.”

“It was selfish,” said JJ “Even if you didn’t believe me…it’s changed things”

There was slight breeze that made the dried tears on her cheeks sting.  JJ’s gaze dropped to the floor, she couldn’t bring herself to look at her friends. They were too kind and too understanding for her to handle right then and there.

Like a bolt of lightning it hit her. She’d frozen. At some point she’d frozen in place just like she had when Ros had died. JJ had lost her team, lost her witness in Afghanistan, lost her baby, and then lost Spencer to prison and no matter how strong she had tried to be she hadn’t been able to handle any of it.

Weakness was repulsive to her. At least her own weakness was. JJ could comfort a thousand family members of victims, people who had lost everything and could go on, but if she sensed even a fraction of that in herself it trigged a self-loathing that spread through her like a virus. It was the type of hatred that made her take risks, like shooting a suspect when he could have blown up the building they were in.

Or risking a friendship that meant the world to her, not to mention her stable, happy little family.

How fucked up was that?

“I nearly ruined everything” she mused, more to herself than them.

“But you didn’t” said Spencer gently “It’s going to okay”

“Will you help me?”

“We’ll be with you every step of the way” said Derek.

 

* * *

They said a heartfelt goodbye to Derek, before JJ hurried off to clean herself up. Looking as presentable as she could manage under the circumstances, she headed straight to Emily’s office to request time off. The excuse she gave was that the hostage situation in LA had hit her harder than she thought. It wasn’t technically a lie.

“I can drive you to the doctor tomorrow if you want” Spencer offered but JJ shook her head. It was something she needed to do alone.

They would be okay in the end, he thought as he watched her leave. She made for a small, almost sad figure in the elevator, the weight of the world on her shoulders.

One thing that was true was that the confession would change things, at least for a little while. Discomfort was a natural consequence of the transgression. The past can’t be undone though and if JJ could take the first steps towards healing maybe he could too.

Derek crashed on Spencer’s couch for about a week afterwards. It was comforting to have him there. Every time Spencer worried that things would spiral, Derek was there to anchor him. Plus there was something familiar about just sitting and talking about old times, before things got messy.

“JJ’s going to extend her time off work” Spencer told Derek, the night before he was leaving to go home “It’s shaping up to be a six month sabbatical”

That’s a decent amount of time,” said Derek “How do you feel about it?”

“It will be weird not seeing her everyday, kind of like when you left” Spencer mused “But it’s for the best. It also gives me a little time to…”

Spencer waved his hands around as if he could pluck the word he was looking for out of thin air. JJ wasn’t the only one with a torrent of feelings swirling around inside her.

“You’re allowed to be angry” Derek said gently “You’re allowed to feel hurt and used. It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault and her feelings don’t invalidate yours”

“I’m more anxious than angry” Spencer sat back “I just want everything to go back to normal but even as I say that I realise that since prison, I’m not sure what normal is”

“Kid you went through something horrendous, something that affected everyone around you and changed the course of your life. There would be something really wrong with you if you hadn’t changed fundamentally as a person”

“I don’t know what to do”

“Do what JJ is doing” said Derek “Get some help, recognise where these feelings are coming from and be kind to yourself”

“Fatherly advice is second nature to you now” laughed Spencer.

“More brotherly” said Derek playfully “But yeah, you should definitely trust me on this one”

Saying goodbye this time somehow felt sadder than saying it the first time, or even saying after Derek had visited him in the FBI safe house. There was a sliver of fear running through him that wasn’t quite sure he could keep it together for himself or for JJ.

“You got this kid,” Derek told him, only half seriously, as he climbed into the car.

“I got this” Spencer repeated, “I got this, I got this”

With a smile he realised the more he repeated it; the more it became the truth.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a CM Bingo entry, the square is Morgan x Reid!


End file.
